Post-Note Confession

I have my body stretched between the spaces and the cushions, facing up, staring blankly at the ceiling, with my thoughts pushed backward; the room seems a little different this time, maybe I was away for too long that things are seemingly new to me. As I get reacquainted, my mind is somehow stuck somewhere elsewhere. Funny that this thing in me lingers, the microbes are getting way too closer each time. An exhale and a puff more, as the ether running through my fingers, feeling the warmth, trying to stay conscious, between asleep and awake, I realized that I have yet to unpack some of my things from the trip. A second and back to thinking, convincing oneself that things are the same, still waiting anxiously for the rain, trying to put sense out of everything, a poor attempt to squeeze in algebra back to the things that once were.

It was still dark when we left; the calmness of the night subdued everyone, an invitation to sleep. The glittering pellets shed light over our heads as they also reveal our tired bodies resting, the wind offering its share, as it whispers its lullabies from afar, cradling us, off to slumber most of us went, the silence with happiness hitting cold down to the waters, a cigarette and a match, standing to stretch my legs, being cat-quiet about it, careful not to wake the others, I placed my back leaning against the bamboo brace of the boat. I was caught up by the silence realizing that the chugging from the motor had stopped. Looking around, then accidentally, bumped into a thought as I glance upwards, I was taken held by the overwhelming vastness of the night sky.

It was around 3 in the morning, the mountainsides walled our route to the port, and apparently, the boatmen had a little trouble with their little ship, stuck in the middle of nowhere, somewhere, having the habit of taking the good out of everything, now I have my attention fixed to what I think I have fallen in love with.

And as one clutch on the moment, when everyone was in their sleep, I snuck out my feelings, a travel between my mind and my chest. Probably the farthest I have ever taken so far, dazzled by the innocence, never uttering what was meaning to, one can neither let it go nor hold it too tight, frosting glass it was. One has been caught in a trance at the moment, then a revelation. The wooden raft and the waters offer an analogy – why is it that most of the time we need to know where to stand and feel something constant under our feet? When all we need is buoyancy to stay afloat. Having my own conversations, but not losing it (see Microbes). then a counter:  We need to have something firm to stand on, to reassure ourselves if we rely on buoyancy alone, eventually our legs will tire and drown (quantifiable factors – see The Simple Things).  Being stuck out of nowhere in the middle of the night, with no life vests and a failing motor, out with the stars brings me back to the story of the people of the desert, who relied on the skies for answers when lost. Doing the same, reluctant at first getting any, I began stopping analyzing too much. My eyes went off way up and just appreciated what I have there at the moment. One cannot remember how long my senses were out, and then suddenly I am beginning to finally see the answer. And there it was. Staring in front of me, – What we feel needs not to be reciprocated, the romance we feel is the love we want to share with the people we care for, and when we share, it is giving. So In conclusion, one realized that what we hope to inspire is not a reaction. We don’t want that, but instead needing another is like turning your love note into a one way- paper airplane, throwing the words and letting it all go.

Back to the apartment, I am now sitting by the window, realizing, what was seemingly a long wait has already come to a halt. And as each raindrop hits the pavement, it was like watching the rain dance.  A sip and a puff, with happiness, felt, now I can probably say that I have seen the goodness once again.

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